The more you try, the more painful you are

Most of you have been wondering the reason why you should end up in a wrong way. Like seriously, I've never thought that I could stand here and say,  "oh I wish I didn't do that and those shit won't happened".

Sometimes,  I thought Allah already planned something good for me after I finished this "moment". But suddenly, I asked to myself,  what should I do next?

Because the more I try to fix everything, the more I realize that its so painful.

Actually, I am tired of hurting my self.  I am tired to see the good side rather than accepted what the hell is really happening right now. I'm trying to heal my self but at the and I'm the one who ALWAYS awake at 2am and scream so loud because of those bad dreams.

For two weeks, those 2am awaken,  those bad dreams and his voice is killing me. I'm trying to reach him out, to make my self feel better. But its helpless.

I was standing at the street where he walked me home when I remembered his voice.
I was asking my self where the hell is he now when I can't move my feet around.

Am I seriously taking the wrong train from the very first time?
Or its just some magical surprises from God for another upcoming episode?

Is it fair?
Isn't it unfair?
It's not breakeven.