what if i never enough?

Sebelum gue tidur, gue menyempatkan diri untuk clearing up every messages dan membuka semua social media gue. Basically to know the latest news --or even only for tweeting one or two things that popping up in my head. Until the thoughts come and it makes this chest getting havier.

I told a good friend of mine, Iman Ramadhan, "what if I never enough?"

Gimana kalo gue nanti pindah ke kantor baru terus gue nggak bisa apa-apa? Gimana kalo orang baca buku baru gue dan mereka ngerasa kecewa karena nggak kaya Turning Page? Gimana kalo gue nggak bisa keep up sama skripsi gue? Gimana kalo gue ternyata nggak jadi apa-apa? Or the latest event that hit my head up everytime I saw guys; gimana kalo gue nggak pernah menemukan orang baru lagi?

Well honestly every broke up I had was because I'm an almost to everybody. It happened for the fuckin 6 years. Semuanya karena "you are good, but you're not the right one for me." Sialnya, every guy I dated before basically said the same things. They're fucking telling me the same words; you deserve someone better than me.

Itu adalah kalimat yang paling gue benci. You. Deserve. Better. Then why am I falling to you guys if I think you're not good enough for me? If I deserve better, why wouldn't I realize it earlier and leave you behind? Why am I wasting my time trying and giving every best thing I could?

If you guys reading this, no offense. I'm not blaming you guys.

Tapi karena magang yang belum mulai, ngantor dan temen-temen sebaya udah sibuk semua, sementara skripsi juga belum acc judulnya, dan buku udah hampir kelar... Gue makin mempertanyakan self worth gue. What if? What if? Itu terus yang ada di kepala gue.

What if I never enough for anybody?

This Capricorn bitch need someone who will tell her that she is enough. Even in the past relationship, I got one, and he failed because he tried to fulfill my needs while he is still in a mess, but deep down, I still want to find someone who will tell me that I'm enough. He will look at my eyes that, "it's okay. Give your self a rest. You're enough."

It doesnt mean I want to slow down the ride or even leaving my dreams. Gue cuman pengen berhenti mikir kalo gue nggak cukup. Because this Capricorn bitch always need supports from someone else. Padahal diri dia sendiri sebenarnya bisa bilang; you are enough.

Tapi dia dididik oleh cinta pertamanya untuk terus jadi yang terbaik, lalu si cinta pertama akan bilang 'good job, tapi sebaiknya kamu ke level B.' Shits happened even if I erased him from my life, the scars still stayed. Gue selalu pengen lari untuk jadi yang terbaik, but ended up inscure lagi, and he is not around to comfort me.

Oke. It's going too far. I should go.

PS: My Arka was doing great job to erased him. But when Arka left, the cinta pertama voices coming back and haunted me around. It kills even he's no longer around.