this kind of feelings.

Hey, you wouldn’t believe what happened to me since you’re not around. First thing first, I watched and I listened to everything I’ve never done before. I randomly found calming music and put it to my playlist right away. I didn’t listen and watch the same thing over and over. It’s a little thing I want you to know.

Beside, I also learned new things, Ka. I made a podcast and impulsively signed up for Korean class. DID YOU BELIEVE IT? I really spare my time to learn Korean, things you always proud of and forgive me back then, but I’m falling to the language right after I learned how to write and read it in the right way. 

Oh, I guess you might noticed this, but I fall to Eric Nam on February 2nd 2020. It’s tmi but you should know that I fall to another guy, dude. Even, I bought his album. Arkaaaa, I changed a lot! Damn. Aaaaand, I also read those fan fictions or alternate universe stories. Ya ya ya I know, it’s common things for you, but this is kinda big deal for me because you know, I never try new things.

Anyway....

I left my second account once I found it’s too toxic, for some reason. You won’t find me ranting 24/7 on ig stories and I didnt made igstories as much as back then. I’m trying to improving my English and... Having a good life with new things around. There’s so many thing that I haven’t tried, but let’s see if I would enjoy the ride.

Arka, to be honest, sometimes, in the middle of nowhere like this time, your face pops up in my head and suddenly I’m thinking about you. There’s strange feeling when I remembered you; but I’m not sure what’s should I describe it. It doesn’t feel like I’m missing you or even hating you for things that happened to us back then. There’s a feeling that always left since you decided to moved on.

It’s not like.. I haven’t moved on yet. I just.. Well sometimes the feeling is coming and I’m trying to get over it. But the more I tried, the more I see your face. 

But I remembered the last time you called my name, warm and nicely. We joked a little about my book -our book, and I walked away. Your voice, your laugh, your smile, your jokes, your flirt, your attention to me are those that I always remembered. I’ve done enough to erased all the bad things between us, I hope you do the same.

Arka, I’m sorry that we didn’t work out. I’m sorry that we couldn’t even be friends. I’m sorry to make you feel bad whenever I’m crying after our fights because we couldn’t workout. I’m sorry I didn’t listen because I’m too blind with things that I thought I know better. I’m so sorry.... I forgot that this relationship is about both of us. I’m so sorry.

So many things happened and revealed after we separated. But after a really long journey, I finally could understand that our destiny just want us to learned things for improve ourselves and I know.. Just because we met each other, it doesn’t mean we’re meant to be together.

What’s ours will find us. But when I found you, maybe I don’t belong in your world because even I tried as hard as I could, we couldn’t work it out. Same goes to you...

And it’s okay.

Hope you’re doing well, I’m working on my thesis and pretty good on taking care of my mental health. I hope, you’ll always be happy. Well, you know, even we couldn’t get happiness everyday, but if you’re happy, everything you do will be much easier.

Arka, have you ever think about me?