all we need is connection

There's always that moment when loneliness hits us even in crowded place.

Katanya, kalo lo udah feeling content with yourself, kehadiran dan afeksi dari orang lain akan berada di posisi yang bikin lo nggak selalu merasa craving for it. You can find your own happiness without the touch of other people. But as I growing older, and by all means I'll be 25 at the beginning of next year, I still trying to figure out about it. 

The truth is we can do everything by ourselves. We can create growth by self learning, we can feel loved by treat ourselves with kindness, we can feel complete without comparing things with other. Gue rasa di usia 25 tahun kita udah cukup dewasa untuk memahami itu. But still, even we can do anything by ourselves, we still need connection with other. Koneksi yang membuat kita bisa merasa lebih hidup dan nggak sendirian lewatin semua ini. And that's where this year felt so hard for me. Because I need to learn about what's connection actually and where do I find it?

Gue merasa struggling karena 24 tahun waktunya lihat orang buat instagram feeds collaboration with rings on their hands or build their dream job. I was told by several good friends that in order to have connection we need romantic partner. Dan the idea of that was killing me. Gue bener-bener ngerasa kurang terus untuk apa pun itu karena the hole in my life kata mereka harusnya diisi dengan punya pasangan.

I know it sounds silly how I'm going to be 25 in a couple weeks and kata mereka still be my references.

Sebulan terakhir, gue sakit to the point I have no energy to catch up with my friends. Tetapi, karena itu, gue jadi punya ruang buat diri gue. Gue jadi bisa atur skala prioritas dan mulai mengidentifikasi apa yang bikin gue ngerasa kosong. Ternyata gue kehilangan connection, chemisty & those precious thing called passion. As we grew up, ada orang-orang yang akhirnya pasrah dan nggak punya gairah lagi buat bergerak. Hidup mereka berubah jadi autopilot dan ujung-ujungnya berimbas ke relationship yang mereka miliki. Hidup berubah jadi melelahkan sehingga nggak ada excitement yang berarti.

Gue kira lingkungan gue yang bermasalah dan butuh pacar untuk memperbaikinya, tapi kalo dilihat-lihat gue ya sama aja kayak teman-teman terdekat gue. To have connection we need two people to work on it. Iya, harus ada yang menginisiasi / reachout each other, tapi the connection itself need both parties to work on it. Ada sender ya harus ada receiver yang kasih reaksi balik atau nggak it's all going to be a PSA. Cuman ada untuk orang tau doang tanpa kasih reaksi.

Makin menyadari semua ini membuat gue makin yakin untuk menepis ide mereka kalo kesepian selalu bisa diatasi dengan punya pasangan. Tetapi, gimana lo punya hubungan yang baik dengan pasangan kalo hubungan pertemanan lo aja masih on-off begini? Kesepian itu nggak selalu dateng dari susah ketemu karena semua orang sibuk, tapi lost of connection juga bikin kesepian. I'm happy to know if loneliness never hits you anymore since you have romantic partner. But it doesn't work that way on me. I feel like I should've learn how to handle friendship thingy before jump into the next level.

I hope you get it and I hope you stopped to put yourself in hard position if you're single and feel lonely. I feel like loneliness can be happen in every relationship we have. So, let's try to find the reason of it before try to cure it. Sejujurnya, tahun ini gue mencoba romantic relationship to cure my loneliness and it doesn't work because there's no connection there. 

Gue merasa mungkin kesepian itu muncul dari ekspektasi diri setelah berhenti merasa passionate with things. Lalu secara magis berusaha menemukan koneksi tapi di usia yang sama orang-orang juga battling hal yang sama: stres beranjak dewasa. Makanya, bakal banyak kesepian yang muncul karena nggak semua battle bisa dihadapi sama-sama. Too many things on your plates juga bisa bikin lo kehabisan energi untuk ngerasa excited on things dan bikin koneksi itu hilang.

Anyway, it's 3.58 a.m. I hope no one expects me to have a solid answer or conclusion now hahaha.

But at least, we can be honest that sometimes we're also the one who makes connection gone because of all the shits we have. So if we want a connection, we need to work on it.

Yeah. I need to work on it.

I want what they have 😭 True feelings, true connection.