what if i was in good-looking ship?

Just one Instagram story and insecurity can hit you so hard.

Gue pernah ada di kapal ini. Bukan, but at the not-good-looking-ship one. I was rejected and it was painful because people choose good-looking over talent. People see good-looking over hard work. I was there, around 8 years old, and know that life will work that way. To those of them who are good-looking and rich, lol, things will be easier.

Gue berhenti mikir gitu ketika gue sampai di kapal ini. Kapal seorang penulis. Ketika cantiknya diksi atau lugasnya bahasa adalah pilihan pembaca, ketika setiap cerita punya rumah dan pasarnya sendiri di luar sana. Nothing could stop me because writing doesn't need your looks. This ship is comfortable, and warm, and makes me happy. But to introduce my writing to world, I need a proper look to meet people. No need a Cinderella Godmother to change everything in me. I just need a little touch, a proper look.

But a proper look doesn't defeat the good-looking one. 

Akhirnya gue paham kenapa usia nggak menentukan kedewasaan. I'm 25 and I feel like to say sorry about feeling so angry by the idea of good-looking people having more chances and opportunities. But then, why should I feel sorry? It's my feeling and it's valid. It's mine. My feeling is mine. I just have to think about whether I want to keep it or throw it away.

Today is December 2nd, around 4.21 a.m., and I want to keep it for a little while. I want to feel this. The betrayal of life, the anger, the sadness, the restlessness. I want to be real. I'm jealous of the good-looking one. The hard work feels unnecessary and unheard of. It's not an obsession, but once in life, we all want validation, right? A recognition? Something that proved our hard work. But the good-looking one will get it first before us, before the not-good-looking one.

What will happen if I was on a good-looking ship? Will things get better? Will I feel better?

I was obsessed to make myself better. But being better for myself is not enough in this cruel world. The good-looking one will always win.

I'm tired of this.

PS : Perasaan gue ternyata paralel dengan salah satu tokoh SOUR. Hahahahahaha. SOUR is really part of me.